I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
