we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
