I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
