then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
