Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
