I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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