Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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