Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
