i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
