Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
