oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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