I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
