i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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