That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I touched a dick in church today
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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