Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
