im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
