you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
