On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
