I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
