I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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