Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
