I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
