i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
