Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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