they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
