kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
