This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
