guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
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It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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