im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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