mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
