I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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