I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
