Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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