I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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