So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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