This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i love accidental penises.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
