he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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