My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight