Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
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oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.