:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
What's dad's email?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY