Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high