I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
