It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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