I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
