I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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