Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
