my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
