i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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