I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
