Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
