my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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