I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
