I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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