just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
