Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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