his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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