I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
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Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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