what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
