I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
