Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
