He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
