Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
