Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
